I can’t remember when I cried last. Not just my eyes tearing up, or a few tears rolling down my cheek, but a heart wrenching type of cry. The type of cry that startles those around you leaving them in a state of shock. How do they try to console a person that sounds like a wild animal waiting to be put out of their misery? Crying out to God and begging for a day when we are no longer in this agonizing pain.
We long for the days of our idyllic days. The days that when we did cry, they were for joyous reason. We call them ‘Happy tears’. Tears that sweetly rolled down our faces were because we were tickled. Those silly faces from their kindergarten school pictures, homemade mother’s day cards…first proms. Learning to take their first steps and passing their driving test! Learning they got in to college of their dreams. I so yearn to have those tears again.
Even through the difficult teen years I cried. Missing curfews, speeding tickets, being grounded, having bedroom doors slammed. I had to restrain myself from wanting to strangle my child. I couldn’t understand how such a young thing could push so many buttons! How could this beautiful child, that I once referred to as angelic would turn into such a…not angelic child. What I wouldn’t give now to have my chld, in any form, back to me. To have him call me out of the blue as I answered the phone “what’s wrong?” I could hear him laugh and tell his best friend “HAHAHAHA, See I told you! Mom nothing is wrong!”
He was my first real love. He was my little Joey…the light of my life…the one that made me whole. He taught me to love unconditional, no matter how much he pushed my buttons, I loved him with no regrets. I once stayed awake one night and slept on his toddler bed with him. He was really sick and had a high fever. I put cold cloths on his head all night long. I rocked all 40 pounds of him when he cried cause his head hurt. I wanted to take his pain away. One time we sat on the couch as I held his hand and rubbed his back while he cried uncontrollably. A girl broke his heart, on Valentines day. I watched as the delicate tears ran down his face to the floor. He told me that it was true…a heart does break. As I held him, I told him, “yea, I know”. I knew it was true because my heart was breaking, too.
One cloudy day, as the neighborhood kids played outside, a scream made me stop in my tracks. The idyllic day filled with the laughter of kids playing, suddenly turned to terror. Kids were screaming and running. As I ran to the street, there he laid screaming. A neighbors dog had viciously attacked Joey and tried to drag him off. A neighbor managed to scare the dog away. My heart stopped. I did the only thing I could think of. I scooped him up, ran with him in my arms and put him in car. I screamed for my neighbor to watch my other 2 kids. I sped down the street, scared out of my mind, honking at the cars to get out of my way. I kept pressure on his bleeding wounds, and I prayed! ” Please God, don’t take my Joey. Don’t you dare take him!” I turned to look at Joey as he was crying in pain. Then, with fear in his eyes, hi sbig beautiful brown eyes looked at me as he quietly asked “Mom, am I going to die? Please don’t let me die.” “YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE, JOEY! You are going to be ok! I promise! You will not die! God is watching over you! God will NOT take you from me!! Your hear me! Don’t close your eyes, Joey! We’re almost to the hospital, ok? You stay with me!! I’m supposed to die before you but not for a long, long time form now! Ok Baby!!!??””
He didn’t die. God gave me the gift of having him another 26 years. I wanted 60 more. I always wonder that if I had been with him when he died 3 1/2 years ago, I could have kept him from dying. I would have held him and sternly tell him “YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE, JOEY! You are going to be ok! I promise! You will not die! God is watching over you! God will NOT take you from me!! Your hear me! Don’t close your eyes, Joey! We’re almost to the hospital, ok? You stay with me!! OK, baby??!! Stay with me…I’m supposed to die first, Joey! Did you forget that! I was supposed to die first! I WAS SUPPOSED TO DIE FIRST!
Now, if you’ll please excuse me. I feel the cries of agony suffocating me as they try to escape my lungs.