I can’t believe its been a year since I put my thoughts on paper.
I can’t believe it’s been 3 and a half years since I lost my Joey
I cant believe at times, that he’s really gone.
But I am back because, well, I think about him all the time. The good times…the not so good, and all the times in between. I miss him. I miss him more than the words that swirl around my head in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep. I miss him more than the tears that stream down my face when I catch a glimpse of his picture on my wall. I miss him more than the darkness that surrounds me when I realize that another year has gone by and he never is coming back.
Time plays games on you when you lose a child. There are days that seem to drag on forever and it seems like an eternity since you last held them, kissed them, saw their smile. Then there are the days that out of the blue, if you’re like me, you look at your blog and can’t believe its been a year since you reminded the world of him.
There are so many ways that I can start this blog again. So many things that I want to share about this past year. The new beginnings, new life, new adventures, new loves and new loss. Sadly, there are endings as well. And the darkness overtakes me again.
A beautiful young life was taken a few weeks ago. A tragic mistake, but what death of a child isn’t a tragedy? She was a beautiful child of only five. A sweet young girl who loved Minnie mouse, her mommy and daddy and her brother and sister. She was taken away from people that loved her…from friends that will miss her…and from a community that got to know and love her sparkle from the pages on social media. Her family was robbed of a lifetime of memories. Her first date, her first crush, her first kiss. They will never get to see her in her graduation cap, her first pair of high heels. There will be no wedding gowns, no grand babies, no Thanksgiving dinners in a new home. It ended before it began. And now there is darkness.
And just like that! I remember this pain. I remember those exact dreadful”No More’s”. No mother-son dance no mini Joey’s to hold. No more “I love you, momma.” I’ve learned to navigated thru the hard No’s and now, I come up with new ones all the time. Some make me shake my head as I remember his shenanigans, some make me smile. Like, no more ‘You did WHAT?’ or ” DO YOU REALLY need another pair of shoes?” He loved his shoes.
I want to say to mom the right thing, but I know there are no real words of comfort. There are no real paths to healing to the old world we called Normalcy. There is no time frame and no right or wrong way to do it. There will be darkness, even in the brightest of days. And, there really is light at the end of the darkness. There are bumps and curves down this long lonely road called grief, and sometimes there are detours to places called laughter and joy. There are unexpected pit stops where you think you may feel stuck, but there is always a destination waiting that is full of magic and new memories. I learned that the longer my trip takes me, the easier the road is well traveled. Maybe, along the way, I hope to pick up a lost and confused fellow traveler trying to find their way. I will take them by the hand and say…”I don’t know why you lost your child, and maybe …just maybe…My son passed because God knew you were going to need me…let me show you the way….
HELLO DARKNESS MY OLD FRIEND…I’VE COME TO TALK TO YOU AGAIN