I just purposely finished re-opening a wound. Sadistic? No. I don’t enjoy or revel in the cold painful memories of the day my Joey died. Have I finally gone off the deep end and decided to start self mutilating my own heart ? No, at least not yet. The reasoning behind my cruel madness is that today at 1:00 pm was the deadline to place a remembrance notice for the 2nd year of Joeys passing.
I’ve struggled with this for a few weeks. I’ve asked myself what is the real motive behind revisiting that dreadful day? Is it for me…for us? To that I can truthfully answer no because we never forget. It is like a scar or maybe like one of those floaters seared in your eye. You know the ones, right? Eyes opened or eyes closed, you can’t get rid of it. It’s always there! Could it be that I am doing it for those that I believe may have forgotten him? Maybe…. Maybe I want them to think of him, even if it is for the 5 or 10 seconds it will take them to read it. Actually, the truth is, as crazy as this will sound, I’m doing it for Joey. I just don’t want Joey to think I forgot. I’m sure my words come off sounding like those of a crazy mom. I’ve actually felt as if I WAS going crazy plenty of times but no, not this time. I was pretty lucid as I felt each stab in my heart and each gut wrenching punch while trying to composed the right words. As I scoured my files for his picture, tried to remain calm as I struggled to stifle my cries. I tried to be as level-headed as possible as I searched my brain, and the internet, for the right words. And even as those painful memories came rushing back to me, I held my ground! I was the strong mom I have fooled everyone into believing I am. As I held my stance through this battle trying to gather just the right sentiment, I would ask myself “What would Joey think?” I didn’t want anything to “done” or too sappy. I wanted something strong and solid as him, yet sweet and kind. But every time I felt I had it right, I would go back and fix it. Even as I type this, I am thinking ‘SH*#$ I should have said this!” At this point it really doesn’t matter. I am certain that I could never get it right because there will never be the ‘right’ words to use for your child’s obituary/remembrance. How can there be??
So, on July 16th, in the Fresno Bee obituary section, my son’s 31 years of life will be condensed into a 2 by 6 (or so) inch section. Nothing fancy, nothing wordy. Just a picture of him and his dash…the day he came into my world and the day he left it. I love and miss you, lil’ Joey.
HAKUNA MATATA (shoot! I should have added that!)