This past year, I was bracing myself for Christmas. Since Thanksgiving was behind me, I began to gear myself up for the BIG holiday. I started surfing the internet, looking for the perfect gifts for my family. I sent out a text to my kids ” Someone is going shopppiinnggg!”. Soon after, I received their wish lists, to which I laughingly replied, :” uuuhh you are adults…we need a spending limit.”
Each year, I need to create a list to keep track of the gifts I need to purchase. As I started color coding my columns, as I do every year (large extended family) I did something without thinking. At the top of one of the columns, I added Joey’s name. My heart crushed.
I stared at his name for a few seconds. Waves of sadness, bitterness and mostly guilt overcame me as I pressed the back button and deleted his name. There are no presents for him. Nothing to buy. No expectation of delight as I watched him open his most desired gift. Yet, for some odd reason though, I felt as if I NEEDED to give him something!
As I sat in my chair, and deeply put thought into it, it came to me! I felt a lightness over come me. A smile crossed my lips as the idea of the most perfect gift I could ever gift him hit me like a ray of sunshine!!! I knew what the perfect gift would be. I WOULD GIVE HIM MY PEACE.
Joey never liked to see me sad or stressed. He would NEVER tolerate anyone hurting me, physically or emotionally. My pain became his pain… my anger his. He loved me like only a son can love his mother. The most precious and innocent love that we as humans can feel.
I have always felt a sort of comfort that even though he was ripped from me and I never had the chance to say goodbye, he KNEW I loved him without exception and I KNEW the tremendous amount of love he had for me. He knew that if I had a choice, I would have fought death tooth and nail for him and I would have NEVER EVER given up.
SO, even though no physical gifts were exchanged with him this past Christmas, I was STILL able to give him something meaningfuly beautiful and when I close my eyes, I can still see that child like excitement in his face. He would have lifted his head up, laughed out loud (HAA, HA!). He would have said “I KNEW IT!”, as he leaned over to kiss me and tell me “I LOVE IT MOMMA! THANK YOU!”
You’re welcome, honey…