Grief comes In Two Parts…First is the Death….

I haven’t written for a while, though I have thought about it.  I even write paragraphs in my head but somehow, I just can’t get them on to paper.   I thought maybe I was too busy or too tired.  Something or someone always took precedence.  The times I did open this page, I would write a sentence but then my thoughts would freeze.  Words would elude me.  I would draw blanks.  Not that I don’t have a million things to say about my Joey.  I just couldn’t get the words out.  Was it that I was finding other things going on in my life more important or took priority?  Uggg I feel a stab.  Was I dismissing thoughts of him? Was  life going on?? I mean I know it does, but it wasn’t supposed to be mine.

Yesterday, four separate people, without the other one knowing, sent me messages regarding Joey.  One said she was having a nightmare and that Joey suddenly appeared and told her it would be OK.  His girlfriend text me she dreamt that he was giving her kisses. One other person said that they were walking into a restaurant and the song “One Love” was playing and they immediately thought of Joey. Yet another one said that they came across an article of him when he played football.  Right at that moment, I knew he was reaching out to us.  I needed to reach back.

This morning, I told myself that today would be the day I would write about him again.  I opened up my site as soon as I started up my computer.  Hours later, it just sat opened in my task bar.  I would quickly glance at it and instead of writing, I would begin another task and minimize it again.  This  behavior continued all day.  Then, it happened.  I went to grab my phone to see who had just text me, and there was Joey’s name.  No, I am not crazy enough to think that he text me from the great beyond but somehow,  the sacred  saved text messages from him had somehow appeared first on my screen!  I have those locked but they at the very bottom of my text threads.  Yet, there he was….front and center…sending me my own private message.

I decided that was it!  I was going to write some awesome and super amazing thing about Joey!   I was going to start from where I left off!  I would tell the world how much he made us laugh with his quirky sense of humor and his own fashion style!  I opened this page and suddenly I realized why I couldn’t write about him lately.  Writing made me remember.  I remembered he was gone.

He has been gone 2 birthdays, 2 Christmas’, 2 holidays, 2 everything and slowly approaching the second anniversary. My Joey is gone and he is never coming back.  As I write this, see these words typed out before me,  I feel the sickness in my stomach.  The same queasiness I felt during those first few dreadful days.  I feel the shattered pieces of my heart piercing my flesh.  I feel the tears starting to form and the weight on my shoulders is heavy again.   My nightmare is not a dream…it is reality.

 My boy is gone….and I start to cry

I know that I will always have these moments in my life.  Moments that I wish I could hide in some dark basement, cemented away never ever to be opened again.  But, I know that can never happen because as much as it hurts, I will never allow it.  It won’t happen because the love and the memories I have for Joey super-cede all of the things that life throws my way.  .  Cementing it away and masking the pain means that one of the MOST important things that ever happened in my life, never really happened…but he did.  My Joey DID happen.  My handsome, funny, spontaneous, kind, generous Joey happened  and my life will forever  be beautiful because of him.

…THEN IT’S THE REMAKING OF LIFE

 

 

 

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