I am still mad. But you know that. You were there when it happened. You saw everything before it transpired. I am sorry I am still mad at you, but I can’t help it. I am sure you know that too. I try not to blame you. Not anymore. I was angry. How could you let this happen!? Was this pain part of your plan? My Christian friends say to me to keep believing… to keep my faith in You. They tell me that You will carry me through the pain and heartache. I ask “Why did He create my heartache in the first place? Isn’t God an all loving God? Isn’t He a God of protection, kindness and forgiveness?” I tell them that I prayed to you ALL the time. I ended and began each prayer with asking You to watch over my children and to protect them for harm. Did I not pray hard enough? Did I NOT pray enough? They then go in to depth to explain how You work. I smile, I nod and bite my tongue. But, You know that as well, don’t You?
My non believer friends try to make my doubt into an argument for their own case. Again, I just smile, bite my tongue and nod as I convince myself that I still believe in You…I am just angry.
I know that as clear as there is goodness in this world, there is evil as well. I see the death of my son as evil, but You see it as greatness. You lent me Joey for 31 years! Now, i try to remember that he is dancing in the glory of Your greatness.
I would look to You for comfort. I would always honor Your name. But I feel as if you betrayed me. I feel like you stabbed me in the back. I am hurt by You. But again, I am telling you something You know already. I once told a friend how guilty I felt that I yelled at You during a fury of rage. She kindly responded “It’s OK, God understand your pain. He lost His son too.” I still find comfort in that.
When I close my eyes tonight, I will say a silent prayer and my anger will turn to tears. Then, as if by some ‘miracle, I will feel a lightness overcome me. I know that it will be You. My tears will be wiped away, my heart, though heavy, will have some peace. I will believe again that my Joey is walking on paved streets of gold with you.
ONCE AGAIN…ALL IS GOOD IN THE WORLD..IN THIS WORLD.