Where have you gone? I have been looking for signs of you yet none are to be seen or felt. I sit in the quiet of my room hoping to hear your voice but all that I hear is the tick tocks of the clock. Where are you, Joey?
I hear of stories where other grieving parents call out loud for their child and the clouds miraculously form the wings of an angel. Or where a parent looks out their window as the pain from the loss of their child weighs heavily upon them and a red robin magically appears on their window sill. Stories of how a glimmering light reflected through their door and the face of their child appeared. Why are you hiding?
I find myself channel surfing in hopes that a song will play and I will convince myself that it is a sign form my Joey. I stare at the light from the security camera in my room in hopes that it starts flickering. I will assure myself that Joey is trying to send me a message. I inhale deeply trying to catch a whiff of your scent…Axe mixed with cigarette smoke. Nothing. Why do you not come to me?
I have laid in the stillness of the night, praying that you appear to me in a dream. I have replayed this dream in my mind a hundred times: I will feel your weight on the bed. You will brush the hair off my face. I open my eyes and see you there smiling down upon me. I smile back and tell you how much I love and miss you. You will apologize for hurting me and that you never wanted to leave. You tell me how beautiful heaven is and that when it is my turn to join you, you will be the first one to wrap his arms around me. You assure me that I was the best mom a kid could have and thank me for always being there. You tell me that you watched as your sister got married and how you go see Ares and Aubrianna every night. You laugh at their silliness and tell me that you will always watch out for them. You squeeze my hand and tell me it’s time for you to go. I beg you to stay a little longer but you explain to me that you can’t. You promise to visit me this vividly real soon. I smile and tell you how much I love you. You smile and say to me “I know momma…I love you too.”
As morning comes, reality sinks in…I didn’t dream of you again. I try not to cry and I tell myself that I will try again tonight. I look at the blinking light again. I inhale as I walk through the house, hoping to catch a whiff of your scent. I search for the song on the radio. I make a vow that I will make another effort to find you somewhere throughout my day.
Once again my day starts as always. Longing and searching for you. Yet, I know for sure, that one day, in the middle of my hectic schedule, I will feel a warm breeze on my face. I will stop in my tracks and I will close my eyes. I will inhale deeply and smell your scent. I will feel you kissing my forehead followed by “I love you momma.” I will ask you where have you been. You will laugh and tell me “Momma, I’ve been walking beside you all along…
TO SAY I MISS YOU IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT