My Heart Will Always Search For You

Where have you gone?  I have been looking for signs of you yet none are to be seen or felt.  I sit in the quiet of my room hoping to hear your voice but all that I hear is the tick tocks of the clock. Where are you, Joey?
I hear of stories where other grieving parents call out loud for their child and the clouds miraculously form the wings of an angel.  Or where a parent looks out their window as the pain from the loss of their child weighs heavily upon them and a red robin magically appears on their window sill.  Stories of how a glimmering light reflected through their door and the face of their child appeared.  Why are you hiding?
I find myself channel surfing in hopes that a song will play and I will convince myself that it is a sign form my Joey.  I stare at the light from the security camera in my room in hopes that it starts flickering.  I will assure myself that Joey is trying to send me a message. I inhale deeply trying to catch a whiff of your scent…Axe mixed with cigarette smoke. Nothing. Why do you not come to me?
I have laid in the stillness of the night, praying that you appear to me in a dream. I have replayed this dream in my mind a hundred times: I will feel your weight on the bed.  You will brush the hair off my face.  I open my eyes and see you there smiling down upon me.  I smile back and tell you how much I love and miss you.  You will apologize for hurting me and that you never wanted to leave.  You tell me how beautiful heaven is and that when it is my turn to join you, you will be the first one to wrap his arms around me.  You assure me that I was the best mom a kid could have and thank me for always being there. You tell me that you watched as your sister got married and how you go see Ares and Aubrianna every night.  You laugh at their silliness and tell me that you will always watch out for them.  You squeeze my hand and tell me it’s time for you to go.  I beg you to stay a little longer but you explain to me that you can’t.  You promise to visit me this vividly real soon.  I smile and tell you how much I love you.  You smile and say to me “I know momma…I love you too.”
As morning comes, reality sinks in…I didn’t dream of you again.  I try not to cry and I tell myself that I will try again tonight.  I look at the blinking light again.  I inhale as I walk through the house, hoping to catch a whiff of your scent.  I search for the song on the radio.  I make a vow that I will make another effort to find you somewhere throughout my day.
Once again my day starts as always.  Longing and searching for you.  Yet, I know for sure, that one day, in the middle of my hectic schedule, I will feel a warm breeze on my face.  I will stop in my tracks and I will close my eyes.  I will inhale deeply and smell your scent.  I will feel you kissing my forehead followed by “I love you momma.”  I will ask you where have you been.  You will laugh and tell me “Momma, I’ve been walking beside you all along…
TO SAY I MISS YOU IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT

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amomsjourneythruheartache

and then there were 2. I am the mom to 3 beautiful adult children..2 are still physically with me....One is with us in spirit. Even though they are adults, they will always my babies. I hope you follow me on my journey. Though we are all different, we are all the same

6 thoughts on “My Heart Will Always Search For You”

  1. I could have written this. Exactly how my life is every single day. I envy those who get the dreams, the signs. Love you Steve, forever 33 💔

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    1. You want to know something amazing?? The following morning I was going to work and I grabbed my work keys out of my Center console in my car. On that keychain is a heart with a little voice box inside that when you squeeze it you can hear my son say I love you. I have to maneuver it whenever I want to hear his voice because the button is kind of hard to find. Anyhow I put my keys on top of my purse on the seat. I didn’t toss them I didn’t throw them I didn’t touch anything but the lanyard and I just placed them on top of my purse and lo and behold the soundbox went off and I heard him say I love you. I laughed and I looked up and I said Thank you Joey you are with me. Don’t give up hope

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  2. I was meant to find this. My son’s name was.Joey. He passed in Nov 18 2017 at age 39 from cancer. My journey is just like yours. I look desperately for a sign from my baby. My heart aches beyond measure. Thank you for sharing!

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