I’ve heard people comment that the second year of grief is the hardest. They go on to explain that second year holds more pain than the first. The shock wears off so you are more aware of the agony that brews inside of you. As I entered my second year, I discovered that the pain isn’t deeper than the first. I think that the increased level of pain that comes in the second year is because this is when we discover that we, those left behind, have been forgotten.
I am not naive or gullible. I understand that as time goes on, lives continue. The world continues to spin. ..time does not stand still for me. I just didn’t think that those that stood next to me, held my hand and picked me up from the ground one and a half years ago, would forget that my pain never subsides.
Joey’s birthday is today. I waited for the calls, the text messages, a visit. I heard from four people. Sure there were “thumbs up” and “I hearts you” to my face book page when I wished Joey a happy birthday but only four people bothered to take time out to personally reach out to me. Made me wonder…do they think I am OK now and no longer need their support?
Dear friends and family,
No…I am not okay. Yes, you see the happy faces, you hear me laugh, but no I am not okay. Everyday, I think of my son. Everyday, I relive the moment I heard the news and I vividly recall seeing his lifeless body. Yes, I have gotten past the worst of it. I don’t have to be picked up of the floor anymore…not as often, anyway. My cries aren’t as loud or as chilling as they once were, but the tears still come. Even though I don’t talk about my pain as I used to, it’s still there. As the months go by, the loss doesn’t lessen…the void doesn’t disappear. I know you have lives, you have struggles and you have your own battles but I promise you that no pain can be close to the pain of losing a child. I never expected you to be at my beck and call or to come to me at a drop of a hat. But I did hope that you would know that some days are going to be more meaningful or painful than others. THOSE are the days that I needed you the most. I once begged that you not forget my child…I didn’t think I had to remind you not to forget me…
FEELING LONELY ISN’T THE WORSE, IT’S FEELING ALONE THAT HURTS EVEN MORE