As I decided to write this piece, I thought about starting with an apology. I know I have grieving parents that follow me but along side those are the people who love me and are trying to understand this pain. They are curious and want to get a better insight as to my state of mind maybe in order to help me cope. Being the loving and caring friend I feel I am, I would never intentionally hurt anyone’s feelings but being the grieving mother, sometimes, I really don’t care if I do but only for these reasons. 1. I want to be transparent. 2. I want to be truthful. 3. I really want to teach you.
I started this blog as a way of expressing my raw emotions and more importantly, hoping that if I taught ONE person what the life of a grieving parent is, then the pain of reliving some moments would be well worth it . SO, with that being said, IF you are NOT a grieving parent, you may chose to stop at this point. If you ARE a grieving parent….I hope I represent you well.
Here I go….I am sick and tired but mostly offended by the fact that so many “normal people” associate their child’s next step in life as something painful. Or that a pet (yes I know they become like family) has had to go to animal heaven and you are beside yourself. I want to give you some examples. Again, I must remind you that if you might be offended by my words, please STOP reading now. I cherish our friendship.
I saw a video somewhere about a dad who was crying, clutching his heart and expressing his heartbreak because he had just dropped off his baby girl at her new college…3 hours away. His words left me stunned as his words cracked as he said “Please God, give me the strength to be able to bear not seeing her beautiful face every morning as she leaves the house. I don’t know if I can do this. I feel as if I am losing my baby!” Then there was this…” We are getting ready to board the plane to go back home after seeing our son begin his next adventure with his wife and our brand new grandson. Our hearts are breaking into pieces (pans out the camera phone to see shots of siblings sniffling and dad wiping away tears) that our Sunday family dinners will never be the same. We are sad that we won’t be able to share in little ‘Johnnies’ firsts in person” Then I came across this beaut…“Our darling Mr. Winkles had to be put down today. We are utterly devastated. How can we go on. He has been our loving companion for 15 years. My husband won’t even come out of the room. My daughter is crying uncontrollably on the couch. I might need to take a sleep aid tonight to avoid nightmares of watching him take his last breath.” To this, All I can say is.. WHAT THE F@$&% ?????????????
I know we all have our own greatest form of pain but really people?! DO YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW PAIN????? Look inside my world! I will NEVER have a grandchild from my son to hold. I will NEVER have dinner with him again!! There will never be Christmases, birthdays, or any type of celebrations with him!!! OH and your pet??!! I won’t even touch that one! I once posted that my heart was in pieces and I was really having a hard time as I thought of me son. Five people commented, 12 give me a sad smile. Another person then posted that their pet was run over and didn’t make it. They had 118 comments and 80 some sad faces!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!!!???? Even as I write this, my blood starts to boil! For those non grievers, if you were brave enough to have read this far and intend to continue, I want to thank you and If you are one that may fit one of the categories above, I want to explain. Let me describe true pain.
While you kissed you child goodbye and hugged them tightly , I touched my son’s cold hard body and begged him to wake up. While you held you new grandchild and laid them gently into their crib, I clung to my son lifeless body laying in a coffin. As you look forward to having all you children over for Sunday dinner, I cry when I realize I put one too many plates on the table because for one instant I forgot he was gone. As you wait anxiously for a text reply or a phone call describing the first day of college or a first date, I BEG God to let me see my child in my dreams. And as some of you put away chew toys and dog bowls, I grasp on tightly to my child’s shirt so that I might catch a small whiff of him again.
Maybe it’s not anger that I feel, maybe it’s envy. I am envious that your greatest pain is seeing your child live out their lives as human nature intended them to. Maybe I seem unsympathetic that you have to wait until the holidays to hug your child again or maybe I am just bitter that I can never pick up the phone just to say ‘hi…I miss you’ and hear them say back ‘I miss you too’ and to end the call hearing him say ‘I love you momma.’ Perhaps I am just resentful that I was once where you are. Please remember that moments that seem unbearable to you are moments that us, the grieving parents, would give up years of our own lives to just have a small taste of.
To my friends that got this far, may you NEVER have to endure this pain but if ,heaven forbid, you do only then will you understand and I promise I will be there to carry you. I LOVE YOU
Step into my shoes, if only for a second….only then will you understand a true broken heart…