I was not the only one that lost a child 426 days 12 hours ago. My parents did too. They didn’t lose a child in a physical way…they lost one to despair. A couple of brothers lost their sister to reclusiveness , a husband lost his wife to grief, and close friends lost a bigger than life existence. All these people have a common denominator….they all lost me. They lost me to this world of bereavement and I am stuck here with no way out. I do NOT want to be here and I desperately look for some sort of window with the beautiful rays of sunshine beaming through a window . I envision the warm comforting rays carrying me away to a place surround with nothing peace and music
Nothing seems inviting anymore. The family gatherings, the birthday parties, the dinners out. I don’t feel as if those things matter. The ironic ugliness of it all is that this is when those moments should matter the most. I, as well as many of those who have unexpectedly lost a loved one, have undeniably learned a hard lesson. There is not one thing that cannot be greedily taken away. Nothing is promised to us…NOTHING! We go through our existence thinking that tomorrow undoubtedly will be there. There will always be time for a phone call, a friendly visit, another candle on the cake. What a fool I am. What a fool to think that I…my family… was destructible. I finally came to the understanding and know better than ANYONE that every morning I get up, is a moment that I should NEVER waste and deject. But, during the darkness of night, I make promises that tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow, I will allow the old me to come to life ….then tomorrow, becomes today, the evening sets in…and it starts all over again.
Making those phone calls become a chore. I have nothing to say that I feel would be worth sitting through. I have no energy….it lacks. My arms feel like lead., my legs like cement. It’s hard to hold up my head…I walk slumped over…I stare straight ahead…make no eye contact so you don’t have to fake a pleasant conversation. I deduce that it’s because I am trying SO hard to be strong when inside, I am my weakest. I have good intentions, but at the end of the day, again, I think tomorrow is promised.
We are all going to die. When that time is, no one knows. Those that do know the end of their journey is near, have been given the greatest gift…they get to say goodbye. What a blessing to be able to incorporate so may thing you wanted so say but life got in the way. You get to say your ‘I love you’s,’ I’ll miss you terribly, watch over me, when you get there, let me know you’re OK?”. You have the privileged to ask for needed forgiveness, and simply just to forgive. Absolutely, the pain of death is evident and certainly still there. There is nothing to diminish that hurt, your sadness, your misery. When the agonizing death of a child blindsides parents with this powerful punch to the gut, we are left empty and broken…repeating over and over, “Why?? If only I had another moment, JUST ONE MORE MOMENT, I’d hold on tightly to it and never let it go.
I need to never forget that tomorrow is never promised…