Forever Changed

It was recently expressed to me that I have changed.  The comment was made after a seemingly ordinary conversation.  I suppose it was because I expressed an opposing view to this person.  In the past, even though I disagreed on any particular subject, I would politely nod and pretend to agree.    I quizzically stared at this person wondering if I had misheard their comment.  I think I was more dumbfounded than upset.  I sat up straight, head cocking back and forth in a ‘Oh hell you did not just say that’ type of way. “Changed?…yes you are one thousand percent correct.  I have changed.”

Everything about me has changed.  My sense of humor is sporadic, my mental state unstable and my enthusiasm has sadly diminished.   My temperament, my patience, my faith, my courage, and strength falter me more often than not.  I HAVE changed. Nothing about me will ever me the same.  I will  never be the Cynthia I was before. How can I be, and how dare anyone question who I have become?  Part of me, my identity and what defined me was was ripped away from me.  The very important piece of me can never ever be replaced.  A piece of my heart, my soul, my life will forever be incomplete.

I didn’t ask for this change.  It was violently thrust upon me. Though my life came with it’s bumps and bruises, I was innocently content with it.  Or maybe I was naive in assuming that as I went through life, I would escape with only bumps and bruises. How was I to know that I would be thrown into a dark hole with  no hope of escape. I  would have never imagined that I would have to endure such a horrific event that would leave me twisted and mangled in a heap of unbearable pain.  How can anyone think that we, that lost our babies, can go through the pain, despair and unbearable heart break and expect us to come out the same?  Anyone that has not been tortured by the death of a child, does not have a right to question my demeanor, my personality, my attitude towards life. Don’t ask why “It’s been a year, when are you going to be back to your old self?” You won’t like my answer.  There is no old self, no ever going back.  If there was a way of magically going back, I would have gone back 384 days ago. You may however, quietly and to yourself wonder why I am different and tell yourself that you miss the old me.  Believe me, I miss her too.

Yes, I have changed..I am a completely different person.  I am broken…at times I feel defeated. My heart is shattered…never to be put together again.

 I will never be who I once was…death has forever changed me

 

 

Published by

amomsjourneythruheartache

and then there were 2. I am the mom to 3 beautiful adult children..2 are still physically with me....One is with us in spirit. Even though they are adults, they will always my babies. I hope you follow me on my journey. Though we are all different, we are all the same

4 thoughts on “Forever Changed”

  1. Oh my gosh! Can’t believe anyone would dare say that!!! The nerve! Of course you’re different….changed….not the same “you”!!!! A bomb was dropped in your life and although that bomb didn’t disfigure you on the outside (my gorgeous friend), it shattered you on the inside!!! Death changes all…..nothing is the same. You look at life with different lenses, a different heart, and you’re on a different path. How can you be the same when EVERYTHING is different? Life can still be good and you can still smile and laugh, but it’s DIFFERENT!!!!😘 Hugs, my friend. Love you.

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  2. We have all changed and my heart hurts because of it. The world will forever be a darker, sadder and colder place. Yes, we may smile and look fine on the outside, but each and everyone of us will always have that though even if we do not speak it. That happy thought or moment in time could have been so much more. We will always , always know that if he was there how much more we would have laugh and enjoyed that moment. How he always added that extra 10 percent, the extra cherry on the sundae, those magical fries you find on the bottom of the bag. I miss him terrible.

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    1. You, my little brother, made me cry…I can NEVER repay you for being there through it all. I will never forget us sitting in the back yard, you holding my hand and crying with me. I knew our family was strong and I know how much my 2 brother’s love me but I just never knew how much until this. I love you more than the of the party my son was ..

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