Everyone that has suffered a loss has informed me about the year of firsts. They have warned me that the first holiday, the first birthday, the first anniversary will hit me like hot coals. The pain will be harsh and fierce. I have also read where, us newbies in this strange land of mourning, need to prepare ourselves as if we were going into battle. “These will be the hardest”. Others advise that the second year is the toughest yet. Their reasoning is that the first year, we walk in a fog, still in denial from the tragedy that has turned our world upside down. Another form of reasoning is that you never heal from it and every life changing event, a wedding, the birth of a child, the passing of other family members, reopens your wounds with a fury of pain.
So how do I prepare? How do I navigate through this valley of darkness? A place that I have never maneuvered through and would never care to pass through again. Inevitably though, and for a more “understandable” reason, I know that I will need to travel this road again. I pray later than sooner. My parents are growing old, and age is catching up to me and my siblings. This so called circle of life. What we were taught, and how I imagined that life was supposed to naturally evolve as. Parents are supposed to go before their children. Parents are not supposed to bury their children.
Because of this, I now fear nothing. My greatest fear was and will always be the unimaginable death of one of my children. So, now that my greatest fear has come to fruition, what else is there to fear? Health issues, money stress, divorce…think about it. What greater fear can there ever be in this world? If my health fails me, I can be healed, and if not, I will be with my son. Money? I would give all my wordily possessions to have him here again. Divorce? There is no greater loss than the loss of a child. I have traveled through a land of darkness, grief, pain and anguish. So what should I fear? God would CERTAINLY not dare take another child from me, would He? ?! Have I not suffered enough, cried enough. Has my heart not been ripped out of my chest so crushingly that I could not breath?
I have paid my dues and I paid dearly for them. So what is left to fear??? So, I cry out to Him, ” DO NOT hurt another one of my children!” Please God! I beg of you….”
Please God… Don’t give me more than I can handle