People comment how on strong I was,through all of this. But, that is because they couldn’t see inside what was left of my tattered soul. They were in awe that I was still a functioning human being , even being able to return to work after just a couple weeks. What choice did I have?.. I had 2 other children, grandchildren and a husband that needed me. I was the rock that held everything that falls apart together. In order to endure, I had no choice but to continue. The pain and anger would be screaming o let them out…I would pull out a small white pill given to me by my doctor, to try to shuck those idiots up!.
During weakness I would talk to our pastor. He would read Psalms, hold my hand and pray. He tried to offer words of comfort where really, there were none. A dear cousin of mine mailed me a book on how to cope with loss. Amazon Prime began the continual delivery of several books on grieving. As each book arrived, I fervently searched through the pages looking for some sort of life line. Anything that assured me, or that I was the Master of my own demotion and I would not fall victim to the ugliness of grief.
I would only go thru a few pages when, I felt as if I was walking into the path of a hurricane. I would frantically try to get through it, but each powerful wind gust kept knocking me back and down. I furiously fought with every fiber in my being trying to get through this vicious storm. There was no escaping it.You could try to hide from it but grief follows you everywhere.
When I had to walk difficult roads before all of this, I accepted it. I never questioned it. Shockingly, though, I never imagined He would give me the most unimaginable and cruelest pain any parent could feel. The loss of your child.
My sadness, my anger, my pain took over. I fell to the floor and screamed at God. WHY!!?? WHY??!! Why would you do this to me God!?? Did I not pray hard enough?! Did I not believe as much as I should?! You are not a God of Mercy!!? What did I ever do to disgrace you that you allowed this evilness to enter our lives!? Are you not supposed to be a merciful all loving God!? Why did you do this to me!!?? I cried myself to sleep on the floor, admonishing myself for allowing me to believe in God as easy as a five year old believes in Santa Clause.
I wonder if God is punishing me for not going to confession .
So, here I will stay …faith dangling by a thread…hoping it won’t break but not caring if it does…for now