Music is never the same when somebody you love passes. Every song you hear reminds you of the love you lost. We find meaning in every word, every lyric…doesn’t matter the genre.
There are songs that I once put the volume up high and would sing along with, out loud, like I was some Grammy winning diva! Now, those songs bring sadness, pain and tears. They fill me with grief and heartache. They are like salt on a wound that has yet to heal.
For many months, I never turned on the radio. I was afraid of what song would be on. Christian stations????….forget it! Those were the worse! People singing about the greatness of our God..the Healer that He is…God is a Merciful God…The compassionate One.. and here I was… wondering why God had done this to me?! Why God had betrayed me???! Songs about breaking up became songs about me losing my son. Happy and upbeat songs were too joyous for me. I didn’t want to be happy. I wasn’t ready to be happy..at least just yet.
Having to drive anywhere past a couple miles became a struggle. I could handle a mile here or there alone without breaking down. I didn’t want the radio on, yet the quietness with it off, would have my mind working overtime. Thoughts of how my world fell apart would flood me. If I did manage to turn the radio on, as another bit of life’s cruel jokes, some song would be playing that had that one verse (“Your eyes have died, but you see more than I..Daniel you’re a star, in the face of the sky” Daniel by Elton John) that would send me into my deepest grief. The tears would start coming uncontrollably. I couldn’t find the mute button fast enough. My body would start to go limp, my strength would abandon me. I felt sick to my stomach as everything would start spinning. I would need to pull into the nearest parking lot and sit there until the tears stopped coming. Sometimes it would be 5 or 10 minutes, other times, my husband would be calling, fearing that something had happened to me. Where I thought I was a few minutes late getting home, It would actually be an hour or so.
Slowly, as time passes, I can now listen to some of the songs that I once enjoyed. Songs that take me back in time to a simpler carefree life. Back to when I would lay on top of freshly mowed grass, talking to my best friend about the latest fashion or our new boy crush. Back to the times we only had AM and FM stations on our transistor radio and we would search incessantly through the static for that one song we would sing out loud to as if we were Grammy winning divas.
These songs will remind me, once again, that even though I can’t sing worth a damn, it’s OK to roll down my window and sing my heart out! Someday soon, I am sure that I will be able to crank up the volume and sing along with Dani and Lizzy : Dancing in the Sky” and smile…
Joey…I hope you’re dancing in heaven and singing in the Angels choir