I don’t remember much after we returned to our seats. I’m sure Pastor ended with some encouraging words..maybe a prayer. The only thing I do recall is him asking the audience to please give the family a few minutes of privacy as we made the final walk with our son.
I have no idea who walked outside with me, other than my husband. We stepped to the side and watched as my beautiful son was carefully placed into the car. All of a sudden, it hit me like a hot piercing spear! My heart was racing…screaming out in agony! ‘I WILL NEVER SEE MY BABY AGAIN! THIS WAS IT!!! HE WAS REALLY GONE! I WOULD NEVER HEAR HIS VOICE! I WOULD NEVER FEEL HIS TENDER KISS ON MY FOREHEAD! I WOULD NEVER DANCE AT HIS WEDDING OR HOLD HIS NEWBORN BABIES! WHY, DEAR GOD!!??? WHY!!???’
Then, I did all I could do at that moment. I climbed into the back of the car on my knees, laid my body on top of his coffin and cried in agony. I couldn’t breath. My world was spinning out of control and I couldn’t stop it! “PLEASE don’t leave me, baby! I love you so much! Please come back to me!”
I don’t know how long I was there. I didn’t care. I begged for them not to take him. I pleaded that I needed him to stay. Family members pulled me back out. The sobs from my children brought me back to my ugly reality.
I painfully watched as they took him away from me…again