The Quiet Amidst the Cries

We started dispersing from the hospital.  His dad suggested we all go to my house so family could gather there… (from that moment on, my home became the gathering place for a week.) One of my brother’s said he would pick up food.  I remember nodding.  I can’t recall the walk back to our vehicle, the drive home.  I can’t even recall walking into the house or who was there.  My brother arrived with food.  There was bustling as my sister’s in laws (I think) were putting plates out.  My ex husbands wife stood to the side.  I grabbed her hand.  I led her to the couch.  We sat in silence.  She squeezed my hand…i squeezed it back.  She started to cry.  I stared straight ahead.   I  felt like we sat forever….alone….in silence.  .

Someone brought me a plate.  I thanked them.  I placed the plate on the coffee table. I walked out to the back yard.  I remember exactly where everyone was.  My daughter and son on the red patio furniture.  They were surrounded by their friends.  My brother standing by the water fountain on the phone with someone.  My sons girlfriend was in a rocking chair staring into the pool.  I recall thinking that our tears would fill the pool if it was empty.  I looked up to the sky.  I watched the palm trees swaying back and forth.  So many happy memories in this backyard.

My back yard would never be the same

My husband and I started excusing ourselves.  He wanted to get me to bed.  People began  to leave.  As we climbed the stairs, he took my phone.  The notifications dings were coming every few seconds.  Questions being asked, “What happened? Is it True? Can we come by? What do you need?”  We don’t have answers yet…, yes it is true..not tonight,  prayers….I want my son back.  I  want quiet, I want peace, I want silence. I want my son.

In the peaceful  surroundings of our bedroom, I collapsed in to a heap of pain and distraught.  My husband ran to me and sat on the cold floor with me.  I heard that painful sound  once again….I heard my screams but I can’t remember what I screamed.   I think I was begging God to bring him back. In between sobs, I recall a calming quietness but it was a fleeting calm.  I cried harder.   We held each other and rocked back and forth…I couldn’t breath …my body limp… my husband trying to keep me from passing out.  I know he was scared . Scott picked me up and put me in bed.   My cries turned into a quiet tired sob.  I have never cried like this…I never want to cry like that again.

Scott fell asleep before me.  I know he fought it hard.  He was afraid to leave me awake and alone.  His body took control…it needed to rest…he needed to regain his strength. I would need his resilience  more than ever.

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amomsjourneythruheartache

and then there were 2. I am the mom to 3 beautiful adult children..2 are still physically with me....One is with us in spirit. Even though they are adults, they will always my babies. I hope you follow me on my journey. Though we are all different, we are all the same

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