I finally managed to stand a bit stronger. the quick sand was gone. I took some deep breaths and began to take steps towards the hospital. This is going to be a long walk but I can do it. Just stare straight ahead and follow the path. I wanted to get there fast but yet I wanted it to take forever. Still no…no tears…no pain…no anger. My husband asks me if I am ok. I nod…slowly. I don’t want to risk waking up my head or my heart for fear that a battle will ensue. We pass a few parked cars…our gait slow but steady. We had to stop to allow a woman driving an old and large pickup truck try to maneuver into a space that is made for a Prius. I wondered why she just could find a bigger space. I am still practicing my Lamaze breathing. Don’t think Cynthia. Don’t feel Cynthia. We wait and we watch. Pull in, pull out. Pull in, pull out. Turn the wheel. Pull in. Pull Out. The lady tried for hours to park. It was really seconds but time plays games with you.
Then it happened. My amazing, greiving husband grabbed my hand and cut through the opened stall, right in front of her, pulling me along beside him. She honked and made a gesture towards us. What happened next was in slow motion yet I can’t remember many details. I turned to look at her yet I never saw her face. I saw details…the look of irrate on her face, the rolling of her eyes. Her lips slowly mouthed something. There was a man next to her. Then it happened. I did it…I walked to the front of her truck and with all the anger I had been penting up inside, I started slamming the hood of her beat up truck. “MY SON IS DEAD! MY SON IS DEAD! MY SON IS DEAD”!! “YOU F*** B**** MY SON IS DEAD AND YOU DARE TO HONK AT ME”!!!! She never moved. She just sat there. I still don’t remember her face but I remember her eyes. Fear. Was she afraid of me or was she afraid of what I was about to face? I know that for the rest of her life, she will never forget that incident or me. She will tell this story again and again. I know it.
My husband grabbed my hands he looked me in the eyes and said “let’s go.” I nodded and started the longest walk again, only this time I couldn’t see the path through my tears.